Man Ban Back In Plan

Right, that is it! I have had enough.

Men can all do one. I am sick of being made to feel 3 inches tall and second best. I don't know when I am going to stop being surprised that actually, they're all the same. I seem to attract arseholes who disguise themselves as nice boys. I would literally give a kidney to genuinely be someones first choice for once.

HOW can you be making me feel this shitty when you're so far away?! Wtf! And why do I allow myself to feel so shitty, KNOWING you're so far away?!

I give up.
Pass me the vodka.

Barcelona Solo

I want to get away, no, not want; Need. I need to get away because dear Lord I think I am going mad. (Madder than I feel on a standard day to day basis anyways, and that is already quiet a lot of mad).

Away from every single person I know and spend some time by myself, because frankly, although I love them all to death and wouldn't change my life for the world, they do all drive me slightly up the wall. I feel as though I am in a 50 year marriage with my life and all we seem to be doing is bitterly bickering at the moment. I'm pretty sure my life is having an affair with my imagination, a younger, cooler, prettier version of me. Humph.

No, it's not that I have finally lost my few remaining marbles, I just need to take a break. A break from my life. And I would like to take said break in Barcelona, by myself, for 10 days. I wouldn't spend all my time alone, I'd get the train to Valencia and see my friends who live there, which would mean spending a few days in one of my favorite cities.

I could visit museums, drink sangria on the beach, walk through Parc Guell and indulge in my Spanish. Plus I'd get to see the sun, see the sea and may even be inspired to start writing again. OH! And the Spanish boys, SHALL WE NOT FORGET THE SPANISH BOYS. All dark and handsome and, leg hairless (it's what they do over there, don't ask, I don't get it either.)

I don't know where I'd stay, in a hostel or a hotel. Maybe I'll spend the forth coming academic year saving and then fly to Valencia next may and rent a place for the summer, work in a local bar or club. Although, God forbid an English person spend the summer working in Spain and actually SPEAK Spanish. I know I should be wanting to work in the dizzying lights of Ibiza, getting paid to drink and avoid chlamydia for the summer but some how, I think I'd rather live out my Blair-Waldorf-in-Paris-for-the-summer fantasy and allow Valencia to be my New York and myself to be Carrie Bradshaw in 'Summer and The City'...

Sigh, I go home next week. I'll discuss this 10 day Barcelona plan with my Mother then, but right now I need to go to bed. I'm doing 9-5 at the office tomorrow. What a way to make a living, eh Dolly?

- Hayley xx

Mulling Things Over

A few little thoughts bobbing around my head that I need to put somewhere so that I don't a) forget them or b) go mad listening to my brain repeat itself. You know what that's like, right?

• I'm still fat. I don't even know how to get rid of my thighs and my stomach is killing me. I may have to cut it off, I don't know.
• I really hate the rowing machine at the gym. It's the most boring piece of equipment in there.
• Smash is utterly, utterly brilliant and with Glee finishing soon I have something that will fill the gap until it returns in September.
• I leave uni in three weeks. This year has gone way too fast. We need to do a MASSIVE flat clan or we are going to receive ridiculous fines from the bastards that run our halls. Awesome.
• I hate having feelings, especially when they're not given the chance to go anywhere because life is forever having other plans.
• I hate that boys are so shit at replying to texts. Stop making me over think; REPLY. It's not that hard.
• Nick Jonas is still a cutie.
• I'm going to spend my summer heavily writing scripts, I have a few idea's floating around so it'll be good to straighten them out. Then in September I can try and get into some script in hand fringe stuff, just to get my writing out there. Plus, I really miss the theatre. I miss the stage and the lights and then dramatics and raw talent. I miss it. It's not even like the way people miss reading once they start having busy lives or the way grown men miss playing footie. It's not like a hobby. Not having the theatre or drama in my life feels like I'm missing a limb; it's the only thing I've ever really loved and I gave it up because I listened to all the grown ups who told me English would open more doors. What do grown ups know anyway?

- Hayley xx

The Carb Fear Factor

We went to pizza hut yesterday. IT. WAS. AWESOME.

When you try so desperately, as I have been, to avoid carbs it is entirely possible to forgot how amazing white dough is. I had 2 bits of cheesy garlic bread and an entire veggie supreme stuffed crust. I made me happy but the minute I stopped eating, I sort of hated myself.

I have developed a fear of carbs.
Great.


On the bright side, my man ban is going well. I mean it's easy when the guy you actually is spending the summer abroad and you have quite bluntly had enough of the arsehole who just wants to fuck you.

One stone and two men lighter. Brilliant.

I've Lost A Stone!

Huzzahhhhh - I hear the crowds cry! It's a miracle!
But it's ok, you don't have to set off the fireworks and pop the champpers just yet for all I've actually done is lost the weight I've put on since starting university in September. Sigh.

Apparently, a student diet of cheap vodka, Asda's own oven chips and late night pizza's from Il Padrino's was not  the way to keep the weight off. Especially not when you have my genes, a combination of hearty Italian, mighty Cyprian and fun loving Irish, and HATE the gym (which coincidentally I know love).

But still, I'VE LOST A STONE! AN ENTIRE STONE! THAT'S 14 WHOLE LBS! And it's taken me 4 months, which shows slow but worthy progression I think.

Maybe now I can quit bitching that I have 64 chins and that none of my clothes fit?

I knew starting again was the way forward, just gotta keep it up. Which is almost impossible when you're pretty sure you'd kill for a bowl of your Nonna's pasta...

Moving on.

Exam tomorrow, I am sort of prepared, enough to get 40% anyways (she says praying to God the questions are good ones). If it goes tits up I don't know what I'll do. Shit.

- Hayley xx

The Girl With The Chicken

This is me, holding a chicken.

I am 15 years old and it was taken on our Year 11 French Trip to Normandy. It is one of my favourite pictures of myself. The yellow jeans were from Turin, Italy, I got them whilst visiting my cousin who was studying over there for 6 months. I'd been looking for a pair of yellow jeans for ages and when I found them, I wouldn't leave the shop until they were mine. The green cardigan I still have, though it is hideously bleached from years of Saturdays at The Salon and far too small for me. My parents brought it back for me from an Ambercrombie in Vegas when they went to celebrate their 20th Wedding Anniversary. The vest top is Primark.

I was so happy.

I adore this photo because since being 15, I have changed a lot, learnt a lot, gained a lot and lost a lot; but in spite of all that I am still the girl in the yellow trousers who made friends with a funky looking chicken.

I'll be her forever.

Spot The Difference

So, despite the fact that I've eaten a bag of Wine Gums and an Kinder Bueno today, I am pleased to say that I am starting to look in the mirror and spot some changes within myself.

My arms are looked more toned and less bingo wingy, even when just casually hanging at my sides, my thighs are toning up, my hips are shirking (well, a little bit), and I'm starting to get that cute dimple in the side of my bum (you know the one that some boys have that girls are always SO jel of?). It's exciting. Obviously, I still have the gut of a trucker but with it being my largest problem area it's going to take the longest to change. At least I am getting there.

Plenty of revision got done today as well, so naturally this all calls for drinks and a dance this evening.

Forever partying, can't wait until my exams are over!!

Love,

- Hayley xx

To Be A Writer You Have To Write!

Kind of feels like everyone else on my course actually takes their writing seriously, and have projects they've been working on for years whilst I'm just sat around like 'Oh, and then the girl fell in love with the pony', not writing anything at all. This blog is probably the closest thing I have to a actual portfolio, I have NO experience within the industry at all and I'm not even working on anything.

Fuck.

I should have gone to drama school. I belong in the theatre. I live and breathe drama, it's probably the only thing I've ever really been in love with. 

All I know is that, by whatever means possible, that is where I have to end up. In theatre.

Bralet

Literally the most stunning, purse friendly and good willed collection anyone has done in a while.

This is one of today's purchases. Now I am fully aware that girls with guts like mine should be denied the right to buy things like this but frankly I fell in love with it and I've decided to stick my middle fingers up at society and wear what I want regardless of my body. Obviously, it's to be worn with high waisted loose fitting skirts and possibly my denim shorts. I'm not completely mad, like one of the more deluded amongst us 'sort of fat girls' who'll team the thing with leggings or a gut gripping bodycon. That really is a style best left to the girls amongst us who have been naturally blessed with flat stomachs or the ones with a higher tolerance for exercise and more will power against food than me.

Shop, Gym, Soup

Went to work.

Finished work and went shopping. Again. I have a problem, I know but that H&M collection is the gift that keeps on giving and tomorrow I'm going to get these adorable denim shorts. I've decided though that for every item I buy, I'm going to throw one away, so once my exam is over I'm going to sort out my wardrobe.

Went to the gym, worked up a good sweat. There is no point in investing in being a new me if I'm going to be stuck in the same shitty, flabby body. I REALLY need to curb my carb addiction though. It's so difficult, 2pm is just so early in the day!!

Now I have veg roasting in the oven that I'm going to blend and turn into soup. Coz I can cook like that you see.

I've completed no revision so far though, awkward when my exam is in a week. I'll stay up and finish my Modernism notes though, so s'all good.

Standard day tbh.

Loves,

- Hayley xx